37 confections

Roald Dahl Stunt Blogging!

2011-08-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

Good news for those of you who enjoy both my "culinary" experiments and stunt blogging! I'll be working my way through one of Roald Dahl's cookbooks starting with Stink Bugs' Eggs.

Updates will be posted on Wednesdays! Stop working on that spreadsheet! Click through!

Homemade Orange Creme Pop Tarts

2010-08-18T15:38:00.001-07:00

I made more Pop Tarts! This time a facsimile of the limited edition Orange Cream.

Click over to Glitter Pissing to read more about it!

Little Edie Birthday Cake

2010-05-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Hooray. Today I'm 37. Which is as good an excuse as any to make a chocolate cake. (Note: Yes, that is a Hershey's recipe. Again, I'm not endorsing. If you'd like to make a chocolate cake, use whatever kind of cocoa you want. I linked to that recipe because it produces a very good cake (and icing) every time.)

Doesn't this bunch of dry ingredients look kinda' like a volcano?

(Yes, I have Mount St Helens and Eyjafjallajökull on the brain. This is nothing new as I find vulcanology to be a fascinating science. (No, you dork. Not the vulcanology that has to do with Spock. I f--king hate all things "Star Trek".))

If you decide to use the linked to recipe, do note that the batter will be runny. Don't worry. It's supposed to look like that.

Here's the part where I start straying from the recipe. First of all, I made a reverse stencil of Little Edith Beale. I'm *so* about "Grey Gardens"!

After the cakes had cooled, I then spread a layer of raspberry jam in the middle to hold the layers together.

Sorry, not meant to be a product placement. I really should have turned the jar sideways.

I then iced the cake with chocolate icing and sifted powdered sugar through the stencil.

After adding all 37 candles, I made a birthday cake flambé.

Ok, no, not really. But when you're pushing 40 using the correct amount of candles does remind one of a Johnny Cash song.

And with that, we come to the end of this blog.

If you'd like to continue following my, um, exploits, I have a weekly blog at Glitter Pissing. I've also got a 365 blog, Stupid F--king Awesome which will resume in June. There is also my old 365 blog, Suspect and Fugitive as well as my Flickr account. Additionally, I have an Etsy store.

One last reminder: the opening for my solo show at Bluebottle is June 10 from 5p-8p! Relevant links: 1, 2, 3. If you're in the Seattle area, I'd love to see you there!

Thanks for reading!

Polaroid Cookies

2010-05-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

I had some leftover sugar cookie dough from the Magnumstache Cookie and decided to put it to good use before I stopped baking for a while. (I'm seriously not eating any sweets for at least six months once this project is over!)

These cookies came about because of my friend Joe's favorite "Goonies" quote: "You can't hug a photograph!" (Oh, Data!)

Maybe you can't (Although technically you can? 'Cause it exists in three dimensions and is, therefore, able to be hugged?) but now you can definately eat one (or at least a reasonable facsimile).

You know the drill by now, right? I started with a stencil that I used as a template.

I then cut out the dark parts of the stencil.

Followed by pushing food dye through. (This is actually my favorite step.)

I changed things up a little by freehanding the rainbow stripes on the Polaroid camera but other that that, the same steps apply again. Cooling. Yay!

Followed by the finished shot!

No, I'm not going to make any jokes about "seeing what develops". I will also not refer to that Andre 3000 song. Although you are certainly more than free to find it on the YouTube if you are so inclined.

Tomorrow is the last day of this blog! Don't forget that the opening for my solo show at Bluebottle is June 10 from 5p-8p! Relevant links: 1, 2, 3. If you're in the Seattle area, I'd love to see you there!

Magnumstache Cookie

2010-05-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure that words are really necessary in this post as the images speak for themselves. Perhaps I should just give you this sugar cookie recipe and a few comments on photos.

In order to make a Magnumstache Cookie a.k.a. a Tom Selleck Cookie with Interchangeable Mustaches, one must first make a stencil of Tom Selleck sans facial hair.

It is first used to cut out the basic cookie shape. Then some cutting is performed on it. Namely, the removal of dark/shadow.

Once the stencil is ready, food dye can be pushed through it. Doesn't that second Tom Selleck look like it's part of the Insane Clown Posse of something lame like that?

The stenciled Toms should be placed in the fridge while mustaches are cut out.

I baked the cookies in two separate batches (one of Toms and the other of mustaches) due to the difference in thickness of the dough. I cooled them on the same rack though.

After the cookies are cool enough to handle, you can change Tom's mustaches to your heart's content!

You could even make a movie about it!

Magnumstache Cookie from rakka deer on Vimeo.

There are only two days left on this blog! Don't forget that the opening for my solo show at Bluebottle is June 10 from 5p-8p! Relevant links: 1, 2, 3. If you're in the Seattle area, I'd love to see you there!

Rocky Road Brownies

2010-05-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hey, you guys! I'm taking a break from cookies today (I do have that solo show that I'm working on, you know.) So I'm making Rocky Road brownies by quartering this recipe.

(The above Rocky Road Vimeo clip is from when Leff and I went on a Goonies vacation about three years ago. Yes, we're fans of the movie. No, there's not a lot to do in the PNW besides visiting filming locations and bitching about the rain.)

Let me tell you a secret. I'm not a fan of Rocky Road anything because I hate marshmallows. (It's a texture thing. I hate squidge.) So to work around this, I found a RR brownie recipe that had a really good sounding base. I mean, look at this batter!

It was very tasty when I licked the spoon. After I poured the batter into the pan, germophobe. Jesus, what is with you people?

One good thing about these brownies is that they gave me chance to use up the problem pecans.

I left the brownies in the oven maybe 10 minutes longer than was specified to try and dry out the marshmallows. (I really hate squidge. )

It made them look kinda' smore-ish which is a decent thing, I suppose.

In summation, these brownies are really good if you pull off the marshmallows.

I think that One Eyed Willy would also find these acceptable minus the squidge.

Joan Jett Sandwich Cookie

2010-05-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you have some left over sugar cookie dough, black food dye and "Crimson and Clover" on repeat (over and over, ha!) in your kitchen? You make a Joan Jett cookie, naturally.

I decided to stencil this cookie instead of doing the template thing like with yesterday's Daria confections. (You may know that I've done a shit ton of stenciling with food in my time. If not, well, uh, now you're aware.)

So what's the process? Well, first you make a drawing. I always mark the areas that I'm going to be cutting out with an "x". I sometimes shade in the dark areas as well to see if the stencil will read well.

Since my dough is black, I need a "reverse" stencil. All that means is that I'll be cutting out the light areas instead of those in shade.

The next step is to cut out the shape of the cookie. (Use the stencil as a template) Don't worry about detail at this point. But do make sure you cut out two shapes. This is going to be a sandwich cookie.

Now cut out the light parts of the stencil on the paper. (Those parts that I marked with an "x".) This is going to be the guide for cutting dough. See? Here's before cutting:

And now after:

It's easier to do detailed cutting on your cookie sheet. Just trust me on that.

While both parts of the sandwich cookie are baking, it's a good time to make some icing. I whipped up a tiny amount of cream cheese frosting 'cause I like how it contrasts with black cookies.

Once the cookies have baked, they're fairly easy to move around. Still, be careful with the cookie part that has missing bits. It's kinda' fragile.

Place some of the cream cheese frosting on the bottom cookie and then carefully place Joan's face on top. Voila! It's a Joan Jett Sandwich Cookie!

I mean, it's not a cherry bomb or anything but it doesn't have a bad reputation either. Not that you should give a damn about that anyway.

Daria Cookies

2010-05-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

You were aware that the complete series of "Daria" came out on DVD last week, right? I'm sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that I've always loved that show.

What with the billions of hours of show to watch, you can understand why I've got "Daria" on the brain. As such, it was an obvious decision to make Daria cookies.

I'll get to the construction in the minute. First you probably want the sugar cookie recipe. (I quartered it.)

The way that I make a lot of shaped cookies is through the use of a template. It's normally made of paper 'cause I've got lots of that around. I tend to put detail on the drawing for reference but first I cut out the overall shape. Here's Daria on some dough to give you some idea.

Also Jane and Trent.
After cutting out shapes, I use a toothpick and trace around details on the templates that need to be painted onto the unbaked dough. For example, for Trent it's his hairline and facial features.

You get the idea, right?

I baked the cookies according to direction in the recipe.

One more note: Daria's hair was a little different than my standard "trace and paint" method. I don't have any brown food dye so I cut her hair from the template and used it on some dough that I'd kneaded into some cocoa powder. Pretty nice result, huh?

Bluth Bananas

2010-05-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's now birthday week. In other words, seven days until I turn 37. Also, seven days until the end of this blog. This means is that I'll be doing a bit of "stunt baking" (yes, even more so than the miniature things).

I say that I'll be stunt baking and, yet, on the first day of birthday week, I decide to go with frozen bananas.

You don't really need a recipe for these, do you? You do? Ok, here's something. But basically all you need to do is:

1) Procure bananas.

They can be smooshy and brown.

2) Cut the bananas in half and skewer them with a chopstick.

3) Place them in the freezer for four hours. Yes, four hours. What? It's not like you can't go do something else while they're freezing, shortstack.

You could even freeze them the night before like I did and sleep through it.

4) Four hours later, melt some chocolate. Brush it onto the bananas. Roll the bananas in some nuts. (I know, I know, George Michael uses the dip method but you realize that I'm not George Michael, right?)

5) Place back in freezer for, like, an hour or whatever.

See, easy! What's not so easy is photographing the damn thing. I'm *so* not trying to be rude with this photograph.

Anyway, that's why we don't argue. Or maybe it's why we don't use a one armed person to scare someone. Whatever. Just watch out for banana grabbers. And don't forget that there's always money in the banana stand.

Peanut Butter Cookies

2010-05-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

You know those peanut butter cookies that your surrogate grandma would give you if, like, I don't know, you accidentally rammed your bike into some barbed wire because the brakes were faulty? And, like, you were cut up enough to need to get stitches but, for some reason, you never went to the doctor? Yeah, this peanut butter cookie recipe is so good that it will almost make you forget that you're bleeding into your shirt sleeve.

You know, hypothetically.

You may notice the lack of forking on these dough balls.

That is because it is not required! So put down your utensil, stampy! Or maybe use it to eat some pasta or something. Just DON'T FORK THE COOKIES!

See, they came out just fine. (I can still see you holding your fork, nonbeliever.)

What's that? You would like some mood music with your cookies? No, I won't link to "Hatari!" again (but I will include another elephant in the photo). And I'm also not linking to that MC Chris song. What do you take me for? There is no jelly associated with this peanut butter.

No, you will do the Peanut Butter Stomp and like it. Ok, fine, here's the "Hatari!" song again.

(baking notes: recipe was quartered, I ate enough of the batter so that there were two less cookies than there should have been.)

Small Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwiches

2010-05-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

All that you need to know about this recipe is that it produces the best chocolate chip cookies known to man.

If you're one of those "Ick! Cakey cookies! I only eat chewy cookies with cacao beans that have been harvested by pink newts! Wah wah!" people, omg, stop. You are undeserving of the recipe.

Everyone else, please proceed. There are delicious cakey cookies to be made.

Have you ever noticed that it's almost impossible to photograph shiny chocolate things without them vaguely resembling crap? Yeah, here's that.

It's fine though because they will eventually dry out from the baking and look like the scrumptious beasts that they are.

As I mentioned above, these cookies are, like, sent by Zeus or something. They are certainly worthy of Titans. Clashing(!) (or at the very least a crappy video of a wind up owl) on their own. However, if you add vanilla ice cream between two of them, you could probably rule the world. You know, if you wanted to.

(baking notes: recipe was quartered, cookies did not last more than 30 minutes)

Jolie's Lemon Squares

2010-05-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

So, I was planning out lemon squares, right? I'd found a recipe that was "eh" and clicked over to The Awl for some contrast when !!! there was Jolie's Lemon Square recipe!

I'd recommend that you go read it now. I'll wait. (Hold music.)

Oh! Are you back? Ok, so here's the recipe that I quartered (holy shit, you get to see my math!) and put on a granite countertop. (See, that will make sense if you've read the article.)

Here is what I shorthanded as "butt chunks" on the Laura Palmer page.

I only included this photo so I could type "butt chunks". Twice.

(Why Laura Palmer? It's because of my show that I've been talking about ad nauseum Not some strange, misplaced PNW pride that I don' t have .)

Parenthetical promotion aside, isn't the batter all lovely yellow and sunshiney?

It makes delicious lemon squares after it's been baked for approx 25 minutes.

No, I'm not going to read a Barbara Kingsolver novel while I eat these. Just because I live in a generic part of the left coast now doesn't mean that I'm neutered. Sheesh!

(baking notes: recipe was quartered, made in the Middle of Nowhere, WA instead of NYC)

Small Raspberry Cake

2010-05-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

What exactly is there to say about raspberry cake? Surprisingly, not much. Especially not when there's a whole series worth of "Daria" to watch on DVD.

But I'll try.

So the recipe that I linked to is basically a yellow cake with raspberries added on top. That is not to say that it isn't tasty. It is! It's also quite attractive.

The way to achieve the winsome berry look (i.e.--a twee treat) is to place the berries on top of the batter before baking.

The batter will rise around the fruit in effect "berrying" them. Oh, ho. I'm slaying myself with that one.

While the cake is pretty tasty on its own, I prefer my berries with a bit of chocolate. Hence the icing.

Just a reminder: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Unless you're diabetic. (Yes, that was a quote from "Daria" which I should really be getting back to...)

(baking notes: Recipe was quartered. Substitutions: 2% milk for buttermilk, frozen raspberries for fresh.)

Baby Blondies

2010-05-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

There are two kinds of blondies that I like. This is not one of them.

Thankfully for this site, edible blondies are a type that I enjoy.

There won't be many pictures in this entry simply because I changed nothing in the recipe besides omitting walnuts and cutting all amounts by a quarter. Ok, no, I also put the batter into a bread pan and not on a jelly roll pan but that's it, I swear.

I could push the blondie metaphor by saying that the tide (mark) wasn't high with the batter but I doubt that that would send any of you into fits of rapture. It might even break your heart (of glass).

Wow, that was forced and nonsensical. These blondies, however are not. Make some!

*Call me!

Tiny Banana Cake

2010-05-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

Is there anything in the world more delicious than a banana cake?

That was rhetorical. Why are you answering?
....
..................

*Ahem* Let's say you have some seriously ripe bananas.

You could make a pedestrian banana bread with them. (Note: not the kind of pedestrian that walks. That word does have more than one definition, you know.)

Or you could mix up all of these lovely ingredients and make a banana cake.

It really is preferable to the bread option. I'm not just saying it to be contrary.

The particular recipe that I linked to above has a strange step that involves serious freezer time immediately after baking.

It somehow makes the cake more moist and delicious. (It's like tasting the extra egg!) I haven't had the time to explore the science behind it, I just know that it works.

Banana cake usually has a cream cheese frosting. That's all well and good but, honestly, a chocolate frosting is much, much better. (I'm not advocating Hershy's cocoa. Use whatever kind you have at hand. I am championing that recipe, however, as it is the bomb diggity flip flappity jack.)(heh heh heh)

(baking notes: subbed 2% milk for buttermilk, recipe was thirded (heh))

Baby Blackberry Pie

2010-05-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still pie eyed (wah-wah). I'm also too impressed by this blackberry pie recipe to be sarcastic.

*So* not kidding. This pie's kung fu is strong.

If you've clicked through on the pie link, why, yes, the recipe does look as if it's missing several steps and ingredients. But don't let that stop you from trying it. I think it's going to become my "go to" berry pie recipe because without having to reduce fruit to a jam state, berries like this

can be turned into a pie in approximately an hour.

No kidding.

See, the fruit reduction happens inside of the pie dough. Fruit, flour and sugar are tossed together and then placed inside of an unbaked crust. Butter is then placed on top of the mixture before a pastry top seals everything inside.

Ingenious!

Be careful to seal the tops though as leakage can occur.

I actually said "No f--king way!" when I cut into the pie. It was a lot juicier than I thought it would be. A lot tastier too!

Some vanilla ice cream would make this pie like whoa. You could also eat it like a boss. (Yes, yes, Mya and Lonely Island in the same paragraph. So what?)

(baking note: Kick ass recipe was quartered.)

Petite Sweet Potato Pie

2010-05-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

I think that I must be watching "Waitress" too much or watching Leff play "PB Winterbottom" too frequently because I'm on a serious pie kick these days.

But you don't care about my media consumption. On with the baking, right?

Here is a lovely recipe for sweet potato pie. Sadly, I was unable to acquire a sweet potato and instead had to substitute a yam in its place. Quel dommage.

That technicality aside, I was able to quarter the recipe with no trouble. Well, no trouble until I saw the batter. Looks like the stuff that Chunk took into the movie theater doesn't it?

It tastes great though. Just goes to prove that you can't judge some yak by its cover. Or something.

After 30 oven minutes (as opposed to 30 sitcom minutes), you'll have a nice substitute for pumpkin pie. This could come in handy if there's another pumpkin shortage.

And now I'm imagining Linus sitting in a yam patch on Halloween. Which, in turn, is making me question the sincerity of yam patches. I think I'm going back to sleep. Or maybe see where Leff left off with "P.B"....

(baking note: I used the same pie crust recipe as always. I think I might stop bothering with this footnote in the future.)

Mini Fried Pies

2010-05-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

Before I get started with the proper mini fried pie entry, I want to thank Leff who served as an "assistant" with these pies. My arthritis flared big time and my hand was all "Hey, I'm a claw!". (Yes, I have arthritis. You wanna' make a deal about how I lost in the genetic crap shoot? 'Cause I can still bitch slap you with my arthritic claw, you know.)

So, yeah. Fried pies. I was realizing how there's a dearth of these things in the PNW. I mean, you can get Hostess but...it's Hostess.

I noticed that my favorite pie crust recipe also lists how to make fried pie dough. (Scroll a bit on that link.) So I thought, "Screw this lack of flavor! I'll make my own damn pies!"

And, yea verily it came to pass. In three and a half flavors! Cherry (filling left over from the tiny cherry pies), chocolate, cherry chocolate (more about that in a minute) and peach!

Here you can see a peach pie being constructed. (It's the half flavor.)

And this is how you achieve cherry chocolate duality.

That's cherry pie filling and chocolate pudding in case you have a hard time inferring things from visuals.

After the filling has been placed in the center of the dough, fold in half to make a pocket then fork the f--k out of that sucker before shallow frying.

Yes, I shallow fried the pies. I'm sure that there's a joke about superficiality in there somewhere but my hand is hurting too much for me to care.

Here's a cross section of a chocolate fried pie. Cute, huh?

It doesn't cure joint pain, however. Time for more med.

Tiny Cherry Pies

2010-05-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

Fine, fine. Here's your damn Warrant video. You are *so* predictable.

Lemme' tell you something about these tiny cherry pies. There's no recipe to link to other than the same old reliable pie crust because I cheated.

Yahuh, I bought premade cherry pie filling. And, sweet cheeks, you would too if you were running this blog, a 365 blog (warning: fbomb), doing a weekly post and were prepping for a solo show based on a previous 365 blog.

I mean, you know I love you and all, but, damn.

I did get kinda' fancy with the crust though so that's something, right? I made a lattice on two of them. If you've never made a lattice before, here's a handy tip: you can use a pizza cutter to cut out your strips.

Also, the easiest way to think of assembling a lattice top is to think of it as weaving. (Remember the construction paper weaving from high school art class? Yeah, do that. Only, you know, with dough.)

I also made a "double crust" pie and one pie with a cut out. You can see all of them in this tri pie photo.

The cutout is a rabbit in case you're having trouble reading it. I've got this weird thing about making stuff that resembles rabbits. *ahem*.

Please don't ask me to explain. I can't.

Soft and Spicy Chocolate Cookies

2010-05-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

One thing that no one ever says after eating any chocolate treat that I make is "Brr! It's cold in here!" This is not only because that would be an insanely stupid thing to say but also because people that I know tend to still find the Joseph Ducreux meme entertaining (I know, right?) and would opt for something along the lines of "The temperature seems to have risen! Promptly remove thine clothing!". (*cough*)

Which is really just a long way of saying that I added cayenne pepper to the cookie batter.

Here's a shot of the cookies cooling but only in the surface temperature sense.

I suppose that if you weren't into heat, you could omit the pepper. But then I wouldn't have a reason to link to this irritating Bloodhound Gang song.

You'll have it stuck in your head for days. Sorry about that. The cookies really are worth the pain of listening to f--king Jimmy Pop.

That's a lie. Nothing is worth that.

(baking note: recipe was quartered, lame pop culture linkage free of charge)

Tiny Icky Thin Mint Cake

2010-05-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Just like the chocolate pecan pie before it, this recipe should be avoided. I'm not sure if it was poorly written (a possibility) or if I'm just overly tired (a MAJOR thing to consider since I've been running on adrenaline and coffee for days now) but this cake was just crap.

Amazingly, I had some thin mints left over from yesterday. I thought about hiding them in the freezer but then I found "thin mint cake" while googling and I was all "F--k the freezer! These shits are going in the blender!"

(Ed note: many things are referred to as "these shits" at my casa. Matching socks, "Mad Men" box sets, your moms. Not many of them end up in the blender, however.)

I knew something was up when I took the cakes out of the oven. I mean, this looks like a rack full of Crabby Patties not something you'd want to eat.

Then there was the issue of icing. "Chocolate Cream"? What the f--k is that supposed to be anyway? (Don't say anything about Tay Zonday follow up songs. I'm too tired to consider that anything but annoying at this point.)

I ended up just making chocolate whipped cream. It was ok, I guess. But, see, I couldn't even make it look attractive. The cake resembles a badly deformed Muppet. And, honestly, who wants to eat Animal roadkill?

There's no "cross section" photo because the damn thing fell apart when I cut into it. Also, it wasn't even vaguely minty.

Am I finished bitching about this cake now? Yes. Am I going to drink some more coffee after I hit the "publish post" button? You bet your sweet bippy!

Thin Mints

2010-05-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

One nice perk of being a Girl Scout camp counselor (which is a job title that I held for two summers) is that many times dessert at the mess hall consists of leftover GS cookies. Sadly, there were no remaindered Thin Mints in my time but I got used to Trefoil and almond butter "sandwiches" that I made myself.

Despite making my peace with Trefoils, Thin Mints are absolutely, hands down, my favorite GS Cookie. Yet I somehow always forget to order them when cookie season rolls around. This is not going to be a problem in the future as this recipe is brilliant! (I will, however, assuage my guilt by donating to the Girl Scouts. It would be cool if you could also do the same as they're a very worthwhile organization.)

Ok, let's get this out of the way. The recipe contains both cake mix and vegetable shortening. Do I need to reiterate that you don't have f--king special snowflake status with me and that, as such, I care little about your opinion regarding these inconsequential things? No? Good! You're learning!

The author of the recipe suggested using a spice cap lid to cut out the cookies.

*So* smart! Plus it makes a lovely pattern. (Repetition *is* one of the basics of design, after all.)

The cookies have to cool for a bit before they can be covered in minty chocolate.

Since I don't have an enrober, I had to do this by hand. A bowl and a fork make a pretty good substitute, if I say so myself.

After some chilling, the cookies are done. You have *no idea* how hard it was for me to not eat every single one of these.

Although Janice Mulrooney from Saskatoon probably does! (Sorry, sorry, super inside joke with me and a few other fellow counselors.)

(baking note: recipe was quartered, no Girl Scouts were harmed in the making of these cookies.)

Pop Tart Pop Tart

2010-05-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, I *know* that I typed "Pop Tart" twice in the title. It was intentional which you'd figure out if you'd just settle down and read a bit, cheese straw.

I also know that I can buy, like, twenty billion Pop Tarts for a quarter but that's not going to stop me from halving this recipe and making my own. But, yeah, thanks for pointing that out. *eyeroll*

I did make a few changes to the recipe. I'm not a brown sugar and cinnamon person. I'm more of a jam fan.

Speaking of which, hot damn, that's my jam! (So not kidding. Leff and I canned a dozen jars of Damson plum jam last fall.)

Another change: I made a template instead of using a ruler.

Although, as you'll see later, it still didn't help me to cut a straight line.

To construct regular Pop Tarts, start with 1) a well greased cookie sheet 2) an egg washed piece of dough with jam in the middle. (Where it at? In the middle.)

Another piece of dough goes on top of the first. Smoosh a circle around the filling with your fingers to kinda' make a "pocket of flavor". Then fork the edges and make holes in the top pastry slice to vent the tarts during baking.

Oh, an egg wash on top would also be nice.

After about 30 minutes in a 350 degree oven, you'll get some Pop Tarts that are nice enough. A bit on the Sarah plain and tall side though, amiright? (Alternate Sarah, Plain and Tall reference. Relevant part starts at 8:27.)

That's why I decided to *tart* them up. (Do you see what I did there with the word "tart"? huh huh huh)

While waiting on the Pop Tarts to cool, I made a Lady Gaga stencil.

If you want to make a bland toaster pastry into a Pop Tart Pop Tart, you can do the same. Or, you know, go with Britney or early Madonna or, godforbid, Ke$ha. You get the idea.

If you stencil a Gaga, make sure that you have an appropriate prop. Like, say, Kermit the Frog.

Maybe a jar of Miracle Whip or possibly a nitro fueled funny bra.

Related to stenciled food, I've got another card contest at Suspect and Fugitive. Details are here. Go enter! But don't send me your bad romance because, oh my god, that's something that I really, really, really don't want.

Baby "Key" Lime Pie

2010-05-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

My initial introduction to key lime pie was courtesy of one of my father's parishioners who had relocated from Florida to Tennessee. When she came for a visit she not only brought the refreshingly tart pie but also a taxidermed juvenile alligator. You know, for the kids.

While this recipe recreates the deliciousness of the pie, it can't quite capture the sheer terror of finding a leering, glassy eyed alligator perched on the shelf in your closet. (Didn't you take it downstairs and hide it in the dryer last night?! You could swear that you slammed the dryer door before running up the stairs and double bolting the basement door...)

If you've never made a key lime pie before, the basics are this: 1) lime juice.

I am not a purist. Have you ever juiced key limes? It's a bitch. Therefore, any green citrus fruit with the plu# 4048 works in my book.

2) condensed milk

3) a graham cracker crust. I made mine in my muffin tin, natch.

There's some baking and fridge time involved. I'll let you read about that in the linked recipe if you're so inclined. Just know that you'll eventually end up with something lovely like this:

instead of some stuffed animal. (Kids like stuffed animals, right? Right?!)

(baking note: recipe has been quartered)

Teeny Strawberry Pie

2010-05-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

You know those strawberry pies from Shoney's? You don't? You should. They're delicious in that strangely comforting prefab (but slightly homemade) way that reminds me of visitation in rural Virginia when it was my dad's weekend to have us around.

The pies were the best part of that whole ordeal. Trust.

Anyway, this delicious recipe approximates the flavor of that pie. Minus the teen angst, of course.

To get started, you will need to blind bake some pie crusts.

The pie recipe calls for fresh strawberries. I used frozen. Seriously, it's ok to substitute. That's why berries are frozen in the first place, you know?

I layered approximately one strawberry in the bottom of each pie shell before pouring the strawberry goop (not pictured) on top.

A note about the goop: it's not vegetarian. It also tastes similar to the strawberry pie filling in the plastic bags that you find, inexplicably, in the fresh produce section.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

After about an hour of refrigeration, the tastiest diner style strawberry pie is yours for the eating.

Your little brother will probably want to share but, whatever. He's the one that ratted you out when you broke curfew, the little punk.

(baking note: recipe was quartered, same standard pie crust recipe was used)

Tiny Chocolate Pecan Pies

2010-05-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start this post with a photo of some tiny pecan pies that I made for Thanksgiving 2009.

See, that's what happens when you have full sized pecans and use a recipe that you've made before. I'm telling you this because what follows is not pretty.

So, this recipe. Yeah, I'm not making it again.

I've made full sized chocolate pecan pies before by adding chocolate chips into the gunk. It works. It's delicious. I don't know why I thought I'd try a recipe that uses cocoa powder. Novelty, perhaps? A burning desire for a chalky, grainy texture? Whatever. I also f--ked this up because...

Pecan pie shouldn't be made with chopped pecans. I knew this and yet when all I could get from the store was the chopped variety I thought, "What the hell?"

When making pecan pie, do not follow this "What the hell?" impulse.

Also, do me a favor and don't let get me started on my "Pacific Northwest Pecan Rage".

Anyway, chopped pecans will make your mini pie look like a f--king chocolate donut.

Which, fine, if you're making chocolate donuts.

Just lookit this lukewarm mess. (It was hot but I cooled it on the rack before cutting.)

I'm just glad that no one out there said anything about corn syrup that is standard in pecan pies. 'Cause if you think that I'm angry when I get Pacific Northwest Pecan Rage, you should just see how pissed off I get at the Pecan Pie Corn Syrup Police. *cracking knuckles*

Mini Not Quite Bourbon Peach Pies

2010-05-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

This is not bourbon.

Hear me out though. Scotch is whisky. Bourbon is also whiskey. Debates about taste, distillation locations and methods and spelling aside, scotch serves the same damn purpose as bourbon does, remarkable well I might add, especially in this recipe (which I, of course, quartered.)

Why no bourbon? Simple. No one at Casa Rakkaleff drinks bourbon. I mean, do you?

I made these "double crust" pies just to see if I could. Here's a shot of them after an eggwash and a sprinkling of sugar.

I like how they're "self contained" with that upper crust. You can just tell that these are pies with remarkably high self esteem (even though they might not have a justifiable reason for it).

Even droopy whipped cream can't diminish its self assurance.

(Baking notes: I quartered the filling recipe. I also used the same old pie crust recipe that I've been using all along. You're getting used to that by now, right?)

Small Sour Cream Apple Pies

2010-04-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Behold this apple.

By quartering this recipe and utilizing one solitary apple (as illustrated above), one can bake six miniature pies.

If you thought that I was going to talk about Twilight in any way, shape or form, kindly remove yourself from my blog. There will be no undead sparkling here.

The recipe mentions a specific type of crust. If you would like to make that, go right ahead. I chose to stick with my standard recipe instead. I did make the topping, however. Lookit! I'm waving to you in the spoon!

I'm not going to disguise my love of this recipe. It has everything that you could want in an apple pie (sans baseballs and/or cheese and squeezes).

Observe them cooling all rustic like and then realize that they're going to be topped with a ginger whipped cream in a few minutes.

Yes, ginger whipped cream. I couldn't wait for the damn pies to cool before I ate one. Which, you know, is why the whipped cream is melting in this photo.

Hi, Not Martha Readers!

2010-04-30T06:39:00.001-07:00

A special welcome to Not Martha readers! I'll have a new pie baked shortly. (Many thanks to Megan for the link!)

If your clicking finger is itchy, why not head on over to one of my other blogs and enter to win a Herman Meunster card? (I'll be having a new contest every Monday until the end of May!)

Strawberry Short Cake

2010-04-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

I don't even remember where I got this recipe so, apologies for not giving you credit/a link if it's yours. All that I know about this particular version of strawberry cake is that I love the type of Post It on which the recipe is written

and that it's not vegetarian.

Yes, the secret ingredient is strawberry gelatin. So, veggies of all stripes, DO NOT MAKE THIS CAKE. Or maybe substitute more strawberry purée in the gelatin's place.

Besides being the most strawberry tasting cake that I have ever tasted (Yay for artificial flavoring!) it is also the loveliest shade of pink. (Yay for artificial coloring!)

Again, shut up with your artificial objections before you start. I'm *so* not caring if you're "offended" by coloring/flavoring that you are not consuming, preachy.

Oh, right, here's where I mention that I quartered the recipe at the top of this post. I also used up the remainder of the cream cheese icing from the carrot cake.

I mean, seriously, how can you hate on color like that? (If you contact me to tell me how you can hate on color like that I will disregard your opinion accordingly, you uptight, joyless nannypants.)

Peanut Butter Cakelette

2010-04-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that I have been, for all intents and purposes, living on peanut butter this year, I have not gotten tired of the stuff. In fact, the thought of peanut butter cake made me so happy that I got this song from "Hatari!" stuck in my head.

But you're here for the cake and not Henry Mancini. Check out this quartered batch of dough. Isn't that insanely fluffy?

It makes for a light, spongy cake.

I didn't substitute anything in this recipe except for the pineapple juice in the icing that I switched for milk. 'Cause, come on, pineapple juice? Not even.

I have nothing snarky to say about this cake. (I *will* link to that "Hatari!" clip again though.) If you like peanut butter (which, if you live in the States, I'm fairly certain that you do) I'd highly recommend making this.

Fortune Cookies

2010-04-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

Making fortune cookies is waay easier than you think it might be. It all starts with a batter. (I quartered this recipe.)

Spoon said batter onto a well greased cookie sheet one tablespoon at a time and then smooth it out into circles roughly 3 inches in circumference.

Bake in a 350 degree oven for 5-8 minutes. While you're waiting, make some fortunes on small slips of paper.

Once the circles are golden brown, place a fortune on the bottom half and fold the cookies into a semicircle. (You remembered to take them out of the oven first, right?) Then bend into a fortune cookie shape. Work quickly. Place them into muffin cups to dry.

Look clueless and uncouth as you place the cookies in a Japanese style soup bowl for a photograph but then slightly redeem yourself by reminding everyone that fortune cookies are American in origin. Claim that it's a "melting pot", blah blah blah. You will not fool anyone, you berk. Just admit that you used the wrong bowl.

Then break open your cookie and read your fortune.

Baby Crack Pie

2010-04-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

Momofuku's crack pie. Chotda made it and, as such, made me crave it. So now I've miniaturized it.

The thing about this pie is that you have to bake two different things. That's right, you have to make cookies and pie. Oh my god, stop whining. I warned you in advance.

It's not important what shape the cookies are in once they come out of the oven because they exist only to be crumbled into crust. Personally, I think that these cookies look a bit like Pangaea breaking up. Look! I can see Australia making a run for it!

After a bit of grinding in the blender with some butter and sugar added, a lovely crumb is produced. I smooshed this into my muffin tin to make tiny crusts.

An important note: Don't blind bake the crust! Just leave it all "raw" while you're mixing up the custardy goop.

Here's a shot of said goop in the crusts prebaking. I filled the cups almost the entire way. I'd suggest that you do the same.

22 minutes of baking et voilà! Pies full of cracky goodness!

I'll be honest, this pie makes me feel like Dirty Dee from "Pootie Tang". I'm all "Hey, kid! *motioning to crack pie* You want some candy?" And the kid's all "What kind of candy is it?" and I'm all "The kind of candy you smoke in a pipe!"

Yeah hehehehe, it's that good. Cappatown my ASS!

Black Cat (Kitten?) Pie

2010-04-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

This is Peel.

She does not like black cat pies.

I, however, do.

I'm sure you've gathered that black cat pie is not made from cats. If not, what are you, 12?

Texture wise, it's actually rather like a chess pie. Which, god, people, is not made from chess pieces.

Normally, black cat pie is topped with whipped cream but I was feeling a bit literal as far as the "cat" part was concerned so I cracked out a cookie cutter.

Here's an eggwashed cat crust piece on top of the filling.

Yes, the recipe has been quartered. (And, of course, I used the same pie crust recipe as usual.)

No, I didn't add walnuts. I haven't had time to get around to the whole grocery shopping thing this week.

After baking for an hour, this delicious, golden brown pie is ready to be eaten.

Seriously, serve it warm with a glass of milk.

Insert your own cat joke here.

Small Chocolate Pies

2010-04-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

I don't have one compiled recipe for small chocolate pies. My aforementioned surrogate grandmother used to make regular sized versions of these and I recreated them as best as I could. You can thank me later.

The main thing you'll need is some chocolate pudding. I made the entire batch not because I needed that much pudding but because I wanted some pudding. I mean, can you blame me?

Obviously, it's not required that you make pudding from scratch. Go ahead, make Bill Cosby happy. (I'll have Cosby prints (screened with pudding) for sale at Bluebottle on June 8th at my show, btw.)

The other things you'll need are pie crusts (once again, I used this recipe and, once again, kindly keep your opinions regarding vegetable shortening to yourself.) and meringue.

The pies are assembled in the same way as the Petite Lemon Meringue versions were. They're also baked for the same amount of time.

Think of them as custardy cousins. Not quite like Patty Duke but close.

Little Spicy Brownies

2010-04-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Since George likes his chicken spicy (where George=me and chicken=any chocolate baked good), I thought I'd whip up a quarter batch of these cocoa brownies using two secret ingredients instead of walnuts. (What? You think I can pass up a link to Wonkette when it's relevant? Yeah, right.)

If you don't have the inclination to can your own hot peppers, any store bought hot pickled pepper will suffice. Jalapeños are nice.

The cayenne pepper is added to the other dry ingredients in the double boiler. I think I used about 1 tsp? You can adjust to your desired spice level, of course.

Oh yeah, I also used dark cocoa powder instead of the regular kind.

Peppers are added after everything else has been combined and the batter is shiny.

A note about the egg: don't bother halving it. It's perfectly fine to use the whole egg. It will make the brownies richer. You will, in fact, be able to "taste the extra egg" which is an inside joke that we used to have in college. (We also used to say "For the love of Benji!" as well but don't ask me about either one of those phrases 'cause I don't remember how they started.)

After about 15 minutes of baking, you will be rewarded with fiery squares of chocolate hotness. You know, brownies.

Now, for the love of Benji, go make these!

Petite Lemon Meringue Pie

2010-04-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

Lemon meringue pie reminds me of my surrogate grandmother. J.K. (No, I'm not j/k those were her initials.) always had pie or cookies or etc. ready to dish out. She also had the only pencil sharpener in the neighborhood but that's off topic.

So yes, lemon meringue pie. It starts with a pie crust. As I mentioned yesterday, I had leftover dough. (recipe here.) I used lentils to blind bake because they were to scale. Aren't they f--king cute?

Don't give me shit about the state of my muffin tin. Just. Don't.

After the crusts have cooled, they can be filled with the lemon curd. (You're seeing 1/4 of the recipe in the photo below.) It's best to do this while the lemon mixture is hot.

As quickly as you can, cover the lemon with meringue. The object is to seal the yellow stuff inside so cover liberally. (Don't even start your "socialism" jokes, punchy. Save it for your mass email that no one reads.)

After about 15 minutes in the oven, 20 minutes of cooling on a rack and 30 minutes in the fridge, you'll get a cute, non weepy pie that you can cut into adorable little slices.

This pie slice will make grown men cry which is fine. Weeping is allowed so long as it's not the pie that's doing it.

Tiny Custard Tarts

2010-04-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

I don't have a little story to serve as a lede for Tiny Custard Tarts so I'm just gonna' jump right in.

In order to make custard tarts, you will need to prepare a pie crust in advance. I like this recipe which does, in fact, use vegetable shortening.

What's that? You have a problem with using vegetable shortening? Yeah, I don't need to hear about it in comments. Thanks for offering, however. (*eyeroll*)

Where were we? Oh, yes. Pie dough. I made enough for one regular sized pie and was able to have enough left over for tomorrow's confection. The trick is, of course, to cut out shapes that are small enough to fit into a muffin tin.

But let's take a look at the custard part of this tart! Here is a blurry photo of what a quartered amount of the recipe looks like before baking.

It *is* pretty runny. Don't freak out though as it does set up during baking. (baking time: approx 12 min)

I made these a little tarter by adding more lemon juice. (I like acid. It goes with my acerbic tongue.)

Leff enjoyed these a great deal in part because we're both "As Time Goes By" fans.

Tomorrow I'll use up the rest of pie dough and make something else out of lemons. No, not lemonade, you freakin' Baldknobber.

Red Velvet Mini Cake

2010-04-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that betrays my Southern roots, it is my love of red velvet cake. I *love* red velvet cake. I have *always* loved red velvet cake. I loved it before trendy people born above the stupid Mason-Dixon line "discovered" it and decided to get all foodie douche about it.

Anyway, my lil ole heart durn near skipped a beat when I saw this recipe on Super Eggplant's site a while back. (A note: Southern people do not typically utilize that sort of corn pone vocabulary unless they are taking the piss.)(Another note: It really is a good recipe. Super Eggplant knows her baked goods.)

But seriously. How can one not love a recipe that calls for 1/4 cup of red food dye?

Another another note: Let me warn you not to get all nanny state on me about the extreme use of food dye in red velvet recipes. I'm not force feeding this to you so kindly shut the f--k up.

Here is what the cocoa, vanilla extract and red food dye looks like when mixed. (The amounts have been quartered.)

Beautiful and slightly blurry, isn't it? It looks even better when it's combined with the batter.

The vinegar and baking soda mixture hadn't been added to the batter in the above photo because I was too busy taking a shot of....

science!

The same tasty science that I also use to unclog my drains.

Doesn't the batter resemble ketchup in coloration? Like, the cheap kind that separates into tomatoes and that icky plasma way too easily?

Amazing what will happen to a condiment doppleganger after it's been in the oven for around 20 minutes, isn't it?

Ok, maybe amazing is a strong word. Still. Red cakes!

Once the cakes cooled, I used the same cream cheese icing that I made for the carrot cake.

Yes, cream cheese icing and not some roux strangeness like in this Waldorf-Astoria recipe. In my world, roux is for gravies and bechamel and such, not cake.

Besides, my Meemawmeestiltskin would clean flip her fiddlesticks if she caught me icing with something so sacrilegious.

Mini Layered Carrot Cake

2010-04-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

A word about carrot cake: Please don't make the joke that you like carrot cake because it's healthy. We all know that people enjoy it because the cake part is a complimentary vehicle for delicious, delicious cream cheese icing and not because it meets some recommended daily allowance for fiber. I mean, it's a freaking cake, you know?

But that's me digressing before I even get started. For the first of the 37 confections, I used this recipe for carrot cake, roughly cut in third.

Other variations: I didn't use maple syrup in the icing because, no. (I did add a bit of vanilla extract though. About 1 tsp for the whole batch of icing. (I'll be using it on another cake later in this project so I made the full icing recipe.)) I also didn't bother with the walnuts 'cause I didn't have any.

Once the batter is, you know, batter-y, fill your prepared tin/cake pan/etc of choice approximately 1/3 full.

Please note that the following is an example of how to NOT fill up a tin/cake pan/etc as it will result in a batter explosion (not pictured) during baking.

An aside: Why yes! Those are tuna cans. How astute of you to notice! Now shut up with the complaints before you start. I washed them before I baked in them.

Anyway, this is the result if you overfill your cans. (Bake time was approx 40 minutes.)

These could double as those sad little fried falafel type patties that your veg roomie in your sophomore year in college used to make.

Not to worry, however, as all things are salvageable with icing. See? The layers even start to look halfway normal when stacked (albeit a bit shiny from caramelization and flash).

What did I tell you about the icing, huh?

One small slice equaled around three bites and required one juice glass full of milk to wash it down.

And, no, the milk didn't make this any "healthier" than the shredded carrots did. What exactly is it about the concept of cake that you don't get?!

The "Ground Rules" Post

2010-04-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

I like sweets. I'm also turning 37 which is a nonage. (Obviously not in its original definition but in the fact that it gets you nothing. You get no perks (ability to legally drink at 21, car rentals at 25, etc). It's not even a new demographic bracket.)

Since I enjoy stunt blogging (example 1, 2) and, again, sweets, I thought I'd knock out a quick 37 day blog for the hell of it. It's a simple premise, really. 37 different sweets, one each day for every year that I've aged. "37 Confections", you get it. Right?

There are four things that I need to get out of the way:

1) I'll be making miniature versions of the treats. That means I'll probably be quartering (at least) any recipe that I use. I will not be showing my math because I don't have time to factor properly.

2) I will more than likely be sharing or giving away most of the things that I make. (Although I'll probably do a small taste test.)

3) I won't be offering vegan or gluten free versions of any recipes. Please don't ask. If you are a gluten free or vegan baker/cook you are probably very adept at recipe substitution and will not require my unskilled, bumbling assistance. Thanks, the Management.

4) This one is super important to me. In fact, I will b tag and capslock it to drive the point home: THERE WILL BE NO CUPCAKES. If you need to look at cupcakes, there are many nice blogs about them on some other part of the internet.

This is not one of those blogs.

Now that the ground rules are established, I think I'll go make something. After all, I only have until May 25 to finish everything. See you in a bit!

Starting April 19!

2010-04-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

Please check back soon!